| Time to say Goodbye |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|01:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Time to say goodbye (the line) | ] |
I have had this journal a long time and yet i cant think of one good thing that came out of it. This journal took the one thing i loved and depended on and chiped away at it until it is nearly gone, Chaps. Now i am as much to blame as any my words have had there daggers as much as any ones but this is the last time i hide behind a journal if i have a problem with you i will do it the old fashion way tell you to your face or if im scared atleast by phone. To all those that have misunderstood me or that i have hurt sorry, you may have been an ass at the time and quite deserved what ever i said but it is of a coward to display harsh words to anyone except the one that deserved it.
Now that being said i will nolonger have a way to know whats going on in your lives and if you still call me friend although those numbers dwendle call me and well talk if you dont have my number send a private message to me with your number and ill call.
Over all Chaps i loved you and will always despite my problems our problems we have shared moments that will last a life time. I wish you all the best. Will be leaving by end of next week.Hope to ttyl |
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| Good news, maybe |
[Apr. 15th, 2006|04:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
After all the audition i finally got offered a contract funny part is the theater is in Texas, funny i went all the way to NYC to get hired in Texas, but good news its Texas most famous theater and i got a lead role i am geting paid 500 a week plus housing in a 4 star hotel and traveling expenses not to mention a car for transportation i do have to share it with two people but still. Now i hate to write this because the contract isnt here yet but i got a verbal notification from the producer himself who happens to be having a Birthday party tommorow of which i am invited at a club that he bought for the night in other words Sugar Daddy here i come i got my pants that make me look like i got a butt drycleaned bought a tshirt too small to pinch the fat in pulled out my brand new Diseal shoes( ALdo i'm sorry but this is too big for minor leagues) And im so excited to go. All the casting directors or going to be there and The guy doing beauty and the beast on broadway is going to be there 6'3 180 pounds of pure muscle and a smile to kill and according to gay times has just split from his boy and i am willing to help him through theses hard times did i forget to mention the condoms.
So good things seem to be on the horrizon my biggest fear is after all the times i said today would be a good day to die the lord will finally take me seriously.
PS As soon as i sign the contracts i will officially be the happiest man.Not to mention this would be the first time my mom could see me perform i wish my dad was hear to see it. Hell he'd probally say ask for more money. |
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| watched in her shoes |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|03:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
Funny enough as i watched this movie marveling in shirley m marvelous acting job i stumbled on a quote that make me understand something about myself.
The quote was
" when i am down i buy shoes i would by clothes but they never fit right but shoes they always fit.
Truth is, that is surley how i live i live by a constant because its the only thing in life thats constant, Friends love you and thenhurt you and continue to and then maybe love you again.
City changes every day before my eyes.
Family members love you and die with time but the shoes stay the same.
So i start my road to look for a constant.
But dont get me wrong i plan on bringing ALDO along for the ride. |
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| Actor Studio I will be there one day |
[Mar. 14th, 2006|04:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Something by dylan that seemes right | ] |
So in contrast to my last journal which is still being debated, oh god, i write a less dramatic entry. I went to the Actor Studio taping today thank God i know people and got in for ten dollars instead of the normal 50 so i cant say anything about it because it has not aired and thus is against the law but lets just say i was inspired. First Dustin Hoffman is a small man with a big presence he wowed me with his knowledge of theater which i must admit judging from tootsie and urban cowboy although powerful bodies of work lack the sway of classic. He was brilliant and he spoke of Love beauty and truth which has been a topic of debate lately, and i am starting to see human beings for what we really are. Here is where i would give a quote but again that's illegal so i will paraphrase, humans are a body of work with twist and turns and the only truth in it is the birth and the death. And i agree i was thinking about the method because in class we have been discussing major poets and their body of work. A famous poet once wrote "Four walls do not a prison make"( name the poet without google and you get extra points, i will give you a hint he lived in the wilderness for a long time). The point is we had to prove him wrong Thur the method, but the trick is non of us had been in jail and the method is using past experiences to encompass the feeling and a bunch of other stuff i wont go into. But it was a trick basically the moral if there is a moral to acting class was that sometimes you just have to get it done but it doesnt always have to be Thur you. So i embark on a journey of understanding. It is Thur this i understand past relationship and decision as well as my connection with people Thur observation and whole truths. One thing i will say i have been known to stretch the truth if i feel it is needed to either prevent myself or others from getting hurt well i embark on a period of total truth just a warning if you hear something from me that hurts i am sorry but do feel free to express anger, and know i love most of all of you but there are some i just would love if i had knew you better or understood decision you make.
Ps
It starts now. |
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| Dont rush dates |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|02:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | something that say love stinks | ] |
Didn't i learn never have a first date on valentines from all the other horrible dates in the past, actually no. I went on a date with a beautiful girl who works at Banana Republic with me and if the whole dating co workers wasn't bad enough she is my boss... So after she keep making jokes about how old she was and how she always saw her self with a younger man mind you shes only two years older than me she proceeds to tell me about how she wants to get married in a couple of years and asking me is there any history of infidelity in my family as if its hereditary and she's ready to have a bunch of kids, which if you knew me you'd know this was officially the end of the date for me. Been a while since i went out with a girl but i think i totally forgot that they had this constant biological clock and they want to have kid's. I hate kid's, and if i have them it will be out of that thought from the bible that sex was invented to procreate and i figured all the times i did it for leisure i should do it once for the right reason. God if i wasn't already trying to write a book i would start. It would be called "drowning in a sea of bad dates in the city". That's the prob with big city more crap to sort through to find the right one. And if i meet another person with this personality disorder called stupidity i am going to scream. so i also think it is time to switch friends i hate most of them and they are starting to make me in to a therapist, and i really want to say of course he left you, you are a winging backstabbing bitch and give me his number maybe me and him can be friends it seems he has common sense. Is it so hard to be crazy on your own fucking time or at least pay me like you would a shrink. |
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| new understanding |
[Jan. 27th, 2006|11:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
Crazy enough I was watching the L Word today strange I know. I was actually thinking about Jeremy's friend agent west and how I should call her and I saw the L Word on TV and decided to watch it. Now I don’t know if this was an old or new episode but one of the girls brought a very butch girl to a party to meet the main group, well the main point is this, they gave her the shaft and a line she said got to me. She said an analogy about female lobsters, the story goes that the reason that you have to put a top on male lobsters and not females is because men have a since of survival and to survive they will team up and make a chain to help each other survive, but female lobsters when it's time to die realizing it start to grab each other in attempt to drown them as if that will assure there own survival. Now don’t mistake me I have no understanding of women or there issues with each other and what it stems from, but I really wonder if it isn’t a homosexual male issue as well. Maybe it is our undying goal to connect with our feminine side that releases this, if I am going down you are too mentality, but I do feel as if we fall victim. I know because I am a participant not just a victim. I have seen things in the city true backstabbing people completely and utterly tearing down people to raise there own egos. The new bitches in town or not the uppity high society women from upper east side who spend fifty dollars on a rare French vodka martini’s but the new bitch is the middle class homosexual and there over compulsive, steroid using, gym fanatic, drug abusing fags who’s goal is to make sure they sleep with as many vain and uptight homo’s they possible can and make sure they hide any type of true emotions. You would think this came from bitterness but I am happy I have two dates next week and a special someone I have been seeing who is cooking me a romantic dinner on Sunday. I guess the problem is I made the assumption that because I could make a group of friends in the city like chaps but slowly realizing it is impossible. I have had good friends that I have tried to get together but it almost turns into anything you can do I can do better. People who I only hang around with maybe once a week when getting together with other friends becomes caddy and defensive. I give up hey on the bright side, mike millers coming to New York one down and many more to go.
Ps
Remember when we use to only use LJ to announce our parties, when did this become a spill your heart confessional |
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| happy new year |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|01:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dirty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tonight ill be your naughty girl (beyonce) | ] |
new years resolution
find out why there is a wet spot on my bed (Allison did you bring a girl in your duffel bag
start putting the songs i have been writing off of tape and on paper
finish my book
lose 30 pounds
gain it back
tell the love of my life that i actually love them
gain 20 pounds after the rejection
do a musical in some theatre
settle for someone just to be in my bed, because hookup although satisfying lacks comfort
choreograph a dance that expresses my new life in the city
switch from Aldo to Diesel shoes it's about time don't tell Aldo he gets jealous
GO to France i miss it |
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| Broke Back Broke Me |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|03:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sometimes it hurts Pattie Labelle | ] |
So i went there with intention of just being excited watching to straight guys try to perform gay tricks which has taken years to master, and what i got was a slap in the face. Although it was hot to see Jake bottom and would have given me plenty of masturbatory imaging i was struck by the over all theme. Homosexual relationships cant work. Now maybe its because i came from a broken home and most of my friends either do to or come from loveless marriages, but i kind of see a pattern of Hollywood and there views of homo's i have written this before but this time they did it just mainstream enough and with a little eye candy so that you would maybe think hey Hollywood is actually showing a no judgement film about homosexual love, when in actuality just tells all the future homos that homosexuality is something you can hide and if you don't hide and fight the feeling this movie could happen to you. Instead of this is where it has evolved from and maybe I'm being to hard
So if you want to see some good imitation bareback ridding an i am not talking about the horse you might get a little satisfaction but if you go to see a real relationship between homos because you thought the world may have finally been ready to accept things they cant change then don't go see it.
Maybe when i read the book some of the director and the screen writers choices will make sense and maybe i being a theater major i overanalyze. YOU judge. |
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| Life is good |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | stick with you Pussy Cat Dolls | ] |
So the other day i went to central park with a friend and it struck me how beautiful it was. The snow was flaking from the trees and had kind of settled in piles on the ground it was gorgeous and then some bum walked by and farted and totally brought me back to reality, either way i cant wait till the ground is covered in snow and i can really see why they say that is the most beautiful park in winter. I got tickets to see Broke Back Mountain tonight at 12 so am pretty excited. I think i am going to buy the book but i rather see the movie first ,and it has nothing to do with how hot Jake is nothing:)So i loved the Geisha girl but the book was better Narnia would have been great if people wouldn't bring babies to movies they don't get the movie and they cry every time they see the damn wolves.
PS
Love ya and miss you all. Some i will see soon |
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| Did some thinking |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|11:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
So running or AIDS benifit concert made me really think about the changes i have made in the last year as well as the people i have meet. First off To Nate i love you and want you to know although we may argue and generally disagree on many thing i understand that you are one of the few people in my life who actually knows me, and anyone who can deal with all my crap, must reallY love me. So to all those i have meet this year know that i love you and you have changed my life.
PS
To all who housed me and in general had to deal with me thank you. I really didnt know how i was going to get through this Thanksgiving and really was praying it would go quickly, but thanks to all my friend Ally, Jeff, Chris, asian,Rob, Brian, Little Q, Mike Owens, Mike Miller and Eva and my boy of whom i love The Person last but not least Jeremy and if i left out anyone know its late and i love you. |
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rayray2005's journal